I sat on my couch one evening in the dark, fast forwarding a tape. As the casette advanced, the numbers on my stereo rapidly counted up from 0000 to 0005, then 0027 (the year of Christ’s baptism), then 0034 (the end of the 70 weeks), then 0095 (Revelation penned on Patmos), then quickly to 0538 . . . 0695 . . . 1310 . . . and before I knew it the stereo was counting right past 1844 and 1863. Only a minute later it was at 1922 (my grandfather’s birth), then 1957 (my mother’s birth), then 1983—the year of my own birth. And in 6 seconds I was moving from Idaho to California with pneumonia. Seven seconds after that it was 1996 and I was coming into the faith and rearranging my life around Christ. A mere 10 seconds later it was 2006 and I was sitting on my couch one evening in the dark, fast forwarding a tape.
Life moves so quickly.
I am 26 years old, but I find myself often preoccupied with thoughts of death and the transience of life. I don’t think that it is an unhealthy thing to be thinking about. The reality is that unless the Lord intervenes with His advent, I’ll live through maybe 70 or 80 winters and summers (or fewer, perhaps, should an accident or disease overtake me). It’s not an awfully long time, actually. Not long at all.
Nouwen says, “I came face to face with the question, ‘Did becoming older bring me closer to Jesus?’” The question is so painful. I think the pain originates in a place of regret. I have been following the Lord for 10 years now . . . why am I not closer to Him? Because though the years seem to pass with increasing rapidity, this year and last year and every year before it is made up of the same simple building blocks: months, weeks, days, hours, minutes. Moment by moment they pass through our hands into the past. Time moves at the same speed for all creatures. So to ask the question, “Has becoming older brought me closer to Jesus?” and to hear the reply in mournful tones, “Not nearly close enough,” is to recognize wasted hours and days for what they are.
The mourning for what has been lost—opportunity with Christ, for Christ, in Christ—is not much soothed by outward success. Only if we move quickly enough to avoid any introspection will praise and recognition make us feel good about a life that has been spent ignoring our Lord. This is why Nouwen was unsatisfied, even though “everyone was saying that I was doing well.” And it’s why I feel unsatisfied, too.
“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Moses, in Psalm 90:12.
8 comments:
Today I was actually pondering feelings of discouragement over my lack of spiritual growth over the last few years. When I was younger, looking forward, I envisioned myself being a super awesome Christian by now. Christianity was simpler back then, and I've become so distracted. I desperately want a radical transformation where I wake up one morning so filled with the Holy Spirit that everyone around me is dramatically transformed as well, by my amazing love, by the power of God working through me, by the confidence that what has gotten a hold of me is way better than anything they've ever seen before. I'm nostalgic to consider it now, my childhood dreams of Christianity. Was that not what God intended for me, what He intends now? What am I doing wrong? I need to be persecuted or something...
Everyday sadly often seems a microcosm of my entire life. There is such passion in the morning and good intentions. My plans and lists of goals is definitely impossible to accomplish within the allotted time. However I begin with much confidence. As the day progresses though I find my time quickly sifting through my fingers and my goals being unfulfilled. I tire throughout the day and lose perspective. My goals change and shorten. By the end of the day I realize that I have not gotten far; I have moved from global domination to self control.
I resonate with what you have said. Thank you for your blog.
First of all: 1983, woo-hoo! Me too. Also, and more importantly, I have had a struggle for growth in the last few years, and sometimes ignored it. But it always comes back to the front of my mind eventually, begging for the attention it deserves. But it's a tricky one, with no set solution. I might just be something I have to work on for the rest of my 70 to 80 years. But if I don't get 70 to 80, I hope I can say I did my best with the time I had.
I think about death quite a bit too, for some reason, so it's nice to hear someone else in their 20s thinks about it. :) Not trying to be a non-conformist here, but I do feel closer now than I did as a kid, a teenager, or a collegiate. It's hard to measure closeness to God though. I think for me, it's about being more awakened to the reality of God's love and plan for me, and being willing to give up more and more of my plan. I know we all have a lot more growing to do, but it's also good to celebrate where God has brought us so far, and recommit to the journey, knowing He is faithful.
It's kind of sick how wasted opportunities can never be regained. And even when I regret letting them slip by, I still don't usually start doing what I wish I had done already.
Thanks for taking the time to introspect and the time to share.
Kessia, I want so badly for every moment and opportunity to bring me closer to God. I get so antsy at the fact that some growth seems SO slow. I love this concept though...just looking for God in the moment, how where you are, what yo uare doing, can be bringing you closer. Thanks for taking the time to write this. Love Emily
I have to say that I agree with Ben about childhood. It was simpler then, and things are so complicated now. I too, thought that by now, at this age I would be the ultimate Christian. I often purposefully put myself in situations to be "persecuted"- 'I need a wake up call', I tell myself.
I always seem to be really close to Him when times are hard rather than when it's smooth sailing in my life. I want to get closer to Him and have a better relationship, I mean I should right? after all these years...in a way though, I feel as if my spiritual growth has regressed tremendously. The only thing that reassures me is that I still talk to God and look to him for guidance. I can totally relate to what you were saying.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Wow... Kessia, I find you to be a great friend and an inspiration. I believed you have accomplished so much already that it puzzles me that you should feel this way. It makes me think about my own life. I was born in the church, there is so much I have taken for granted. For many years I simply assumed everyone grew up knowing about Jesus' love and about prayer. But how much have I grown since then? In some ways I believe I have shrunk, I began to find faults in people, in the church, in my parents, and maybe even in God. Oh the pride that comes with knowledge, degrees, and understanding. I am now learning to simply humble myself and depend completely on God as I did when I was younger. I believe that if I leave the seminary more dependent on Jesus I will have spent my time well.
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