Not that I'm afraid of full-time ministry.
Not that I'm afraid of getting paid for it.
Not that I'm afraid to devote my life to it.
Just that I'm afraid of becoming a professional, an image, a brand.
I don't want to drive a car that says "PASTOR" on the license plate. And I don't want my email address to be PastorKessiaReyne@knee-mail.net. And I don't want to be a ministry idea machine with a weekly newsletter. And I don't want my blogs to become a series of polished press releases. And I don't want to become an Adventist celebrity. I don't want to be anything else except
a person
following Jesus
in the world.
I've come to realize that my discipling (formal and informal pastoring) has its source in my experience with Jesus.
>>My experience with Jesus means that I'm not enough and never will be. Without Him, I'm a cistern, a broken cistern, and I have no water for the spiritually thirsty. But also
>>My experience with Jesus means that my discipling comes through my personality, it is informed by my life, it is made up of the data of my senses, it is woven into my character, it comes out in my language.
So when I counsel and pray and explain and defend and preach and confront and write and persuade and question: it's me doing it, not some Internet personality with a suit jacket on. Ask me about theodicy and I'll tell you a story. Offer me the pulpit and I'll preach to each person as intimately as possible. Give me your hurts and I'll be silent for a long time; like, an awkward amount of time. Invite me to dinner and I'll come with eyeliner on (not bells, for the record). Because that, my homies, is how I roll.
*[I think this has to do with my fear of losing my identity in other people's expectations. Jeans at church. Eyeshadow. Feminist poetry. Post-hardcore praise. (Is that what makes me, me?) (What does it mean to be authentic?)]
** [It probably doesn't sound like it, but the intention of this post is not to judge "professional" ministers. These musings are just the outgrowth of my own reflection on how and why my personal style of ministry looks different from many other people's style. God uses those "professional" pastors in ways that are powerful and that, honestly, I don't even aspire to.]
15 comments:
if it makes you feel any better... i'll never see you as a "pastor".. i'll simply see you as my friend... my sisterfriend... my buddy :)
"Stand in your God-given personality. Be no other person's shadow. Expect that the Lord will work in and by and through you."--Ministry of Healing, p. 498
I've been having professional identity issues too, Kessia. I've been learning to replace the word "should" with "be" in my life. But, despite how we are perceived or what we think of ourselves God is able to reveal Himself. The greatest miracle is how God makes us like him moment by moment and day by day.
Well said. "Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." That's the kind of pastor I want to be...one who preaches with his life and let's the Lord do the work.
Preach, Kessia!
yessss! i think this is really important stuff you just put into words. expectations start to rise, and its the scariest thing that we'll just go ahead and rise to the expectations instead of steadily continuing in honesty. i needed to hear this. thanks kessia! em
i really like this. it is thought provoking and honest. very inspirational too. i admire that you want to be real and not fake perfect.
I think I would enjoy being a part of your church family. Wherever that will be. Also, I like your style.
ingenuousness is always refreshing
Well articulated...and one of the biggest reasons I was/still am nervous about going to seminary. Because I don't want to go in with passion, ideas, and a personality, only to come out the back side with a rubber stamp on my forehead and my hands folded in my lap. In truth, where did we come up with the idea that pastoring is a trade, a craft, a "profession"? Why can't it be me, "a person, following Jesus, in the world"?
These are the things I would like to discuss with Dr. Bennett *hint*...it could go on for quite a while I imagine.
i have a lot of respect for you. thanks for sharing this.
Having people see your title before you as a person can be really hard. I went through a phase where I didn't tell people what I did because then all they would see would be my work and not ever know me. But I realized that hiding it was also wrong. I was denying what God had called me to in the face of other people. I had to be willing to give up my identity for God's purpose. And as I did that, He gave me people that knew what I did and saw me as well.
I like the Kessia brand.
I don't want to drive that car either. My struggle is identity.
Kessia,
I think you being this open about the fear of the "brand" showcases how authentic you are.
We are just people following Jesus. That's just it.
Thank you for being real. The world needs more of it.
p.s- love the pictures!
Well what people crave is "authenticity" in fact it is becoming an annoying buzz word, but still it is what people appreciate and value so it sounds like you are on the right track!
Well said, and understood personally. How do I "be the professional" without assuming the baggage that comes along with it? I've felt for a number of years now that being an official "minister of the gospel" can actually inhibit ministry opportunities because it's assumed that I'm paid to say/do/live whatever (or am I just imagining this assumption?).
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