Perhaps it's because of my prayers asking for such a thing, or perhaps it's just because my God is a holy Pursuer, but lately the LORD has been trying to change me from the inside out. Usually when I pray for God to change me, I'm unconsciously asking for Him to do it painlessly, quickly, thoroughly, and--please--in a way that does not inconvenience me. So when this change hurts I want to reject it. When this change requires something of me, I'm ready to give up and go distract myself with nonsense.
I've asked that God would help me to set aside my pride and vanity. But when He invites to forego my rituals and expenditures on vanity of appearance, I balk. I'm not ready to face the world with my bad skin and my flat hair. Do I need concealer and a blow dryer to be a person?
I've asked that God would help me to make the most of my life, to do and to be with excellence, to love what is good and become more like Him. But when He points out that I'm wasting my life with TV, I want to argue about the quality of programming or start comparing myself to others that I judge are worse off than I am. Do I think that I can hang on to Christ and to the world at the same time? I wish I could, and yet I wish I could sing sincerely that old hymn, "Take the world, but give me Jesus...."
I've asked that God would direct me into the future that He desires for me, that He would put me where I'm supposed to be-- yet I've asked Him to choose from my multiple choice list, and I've been keen to point out my top choices. But if God asks me to consider a future in option "E: None of the Above," I get to feeling a little anxious. Can I really be more than titles and positions, be more than my job or my degrees?
I know He works in many ways (many of them mysterious) and on many levels with many people. With me right now regarding this, He has pointed out sin in my life and asked me to choose Him instead. But it's uncomfortable. Sometimes it hurts. It means the putting to death of my self... with a sometimes weak faith that He'll resurrect me in His own image.
What I want to be is surrendered to God. What I want to do is to love Him with everything I've got. What I'm finding is that it's surprisingly difficult to say YES and "Amen" as He answers my own prayers.
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6 comments:
this really resonates with me. thank you for posting this.
This is legit, Kessia. A straight up problem of my own. Listening for what God is saying to my prayers is often harder than praying. Not because I'm not getting the answer I want (but sometimes...) but rather I'm not getting the answer HOW I want.
Choosing is a difficult thing. We often have a hard time letting God in charge of what we need. Honestly, I think that my way is "better". So far, I have been wrong every time. Praying is hard when you know the answer. Praying is hard when you feel you wont get an answer but just a look of, "you already know what I am going to say." Praying is hard.
It seems like we get comfortable with saying that following God is not comfortable, but when we face the reality, it's harder than it sounds, usually. I was listening to Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" today and one thing that really struck was this: "If your life makes sense to an unbeliever, something is wrong." There's something scary but also beautiful and adventurous about surrendering to God and being open to WHATEVER it is that He wants.
Kessia, we should talk sometime. You are a strong Godly woman and I want to learn from you.
Man, I needed to read this. I really needed to read this. Thanks.
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