do not read this post. it is boring.

13 April 2010 12 comments
Okay. I warned you. Really, you won't like it. Go read something else.


I am tired; so tired that after my (admittedly intense) workout this morning I felt physically sick. I need sleep. // I'm freaking out a little bit about my last two projects due this semester. I got overly ambitious in this research project due tomorrow, now I'm doing last-minute restructuring to the entire endeavor in order to put out a mediocre paper when what I really want to produce is an awesome paper that contributes to real knowledge. // I've got a series in Chicago coming up REAL fast and I feel so underprepared, all the while wishing, hoping, (but not really praying) that it will be beneficial to the world and an instrument of the Spirit. // All of this academic studying into theological problems in the Adventist church is a great weight upon my mind. The thing is that in academia everything is controverted. Everything. And when you study theology, that means that everything about your faith is under fire. On every issue I look at, I end up staring into the face of doubt and it's a conscious choice to believe and to (again and again) submit myself to God's Word, knowing that I can't wait to believe until every question is settled.... waiting for additional light. I face questions not only from inside, and not only from my coursework, but I, for better or worse, am also the go-to person for other people's doubts. As I said, this is a great weight upon my mind. // The magnolias are beautiful. Very, very beautiful.

12 comments:

  • Donnie said...

    Kessia. You are a woman of many words. You know all their definitions. It is for this reason I am so surprised that you misused the word "boring" in your title...I'm not quite sure it accurately portrays the content. That said, I wanted to respond with two thoughts:
    1. That really sucks...what an intense load. Especially when you are incredibly blessed with the ability to clearly articulate problems you see inside the church...and then have to choose to love it enough to work to change it instead of becoming another neigh-sayer (not sure how to spell that). I'm there quite a bit. I'll be praying for you.
    2. We're working this week to set up a guest house here in Wawona...you know...inside Yosemite...a place where people come to "get away"...I'm just saying...

    Praying for you!

  • Carley Brown said...

    I read it just cause you said it was going to be boring. And I knew it wasn't going to be. Don't stress to much, its not good for your health. But I can see how the load you described is a heavy one. Its good though that we don't have to carry the weight of the worlds problems on our shoulders, thats God's job. He's lucky to have people like you to volunteer to help with the load.

    I hope He surrounds you with people to continually encourage, support, and uplift you. We all need that when it gets stressful.

    I said a quick prayer for ya.

    Don't try to do it all. It all can't be done. Do what you can, and are capable of and don't worry about the rest.

    Cheers my friend

  • Miss Jehle said...

    I think you should spend more time under the magnolias and less time under the library :) Good luck finishing up that paper! I'm sure it will be far beyond mediocre.

  • vercccccccccccio said...

    i stumbled across your blog and when I saw "don't read this it is boring" I could help myself. I mean as soon as you tell me not to do something i'm going to do it. could also be because i have homework to do.

  • the dawn said...

    I can totally understand that you would be tired under the weight of all that you guys study. I can sit and chat with Greg about the issues that he discusses in class, but unlike you guys I don't feel the weight of coming to a conclusion. I can think about an issue and then walk away from it without feeling obligated to solve it. My heart goes out to you and all the brave souls in the seminary. I appreciate how deeply you care about the issues and how intently you search for truth. Keep the faith Kessia!

  • Andrea said...

    Thanks for the warning, but I'm glad I read it anyway. It's been awhile since I've heard from Kessia's world. I miss you. And I know God will continue keeping you in this season as He has in many others. Courage to you.

  • stella said...

    This blog made me wonder.... wonder about the kind of questions you have.... the kinds of questions your peers have.... and the kind of questions you are asked.... Also it made me wonder if spring is really nice at Andrews.... I love magnolias....

  • Emily Star said...

    kessia! the weight of doubt. pllllleeeeaaaaasssseee keep searching and addressing the questions in depth. because people like me are going to need people like you to assist me in MY search for God. i like what you're doing and i think you're good at it. much love! emily

  • TaraB said...

    Kessia, I love your brain. I love how you write. Can you just come to Tennessee to be with me and Amanda? Then we can talk about this stuff in person.

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