All my life I never felt enough, I was emotionally anemic. My little sister once told me: "I think your feelers are broken."
And yet God (at sundry times and in divers manners) has been breaking me up inside and giving me emotions. At times I feel like Pinocchio ("I'm a real boy!"), trying out my human-ness as a new thing. I don't have a lot of experience at coping with so much feeeeeeeeling. So sometimes I'm in the back of a library, whispering out my wounds and worries to a friend and I can't make my words come right or my face look right or my heart feel right, even though everything is whirring around perfect and punctual in my head.
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It's really hard to have both words and feelings sometimes, especially when you're used to articulating in normal language. The language of feelings is usually art. And even that often feels inadequate. Welcome to the feeling world, Pinocchio. :)
it takes time! i "didn't feel" for a very very long time. my sister called me a "robot." it was true. my "emotions where on time relapse! i didn't cry about my grandma dyeing for two weeks... and then it was at her memorial while i was talking aBOUT her upfront!
i stuffed it up... then about once year (for maybe 10 years) i would cry about one tiny stupid thing, because i couldn't keep it ALL in or ALL together. "but daddy, i WANT to go see a movie!!!" something lame like that. then one day the flood gates OPENED! and i've been crying ever since (a couple of years now)!!!! and i haven't (i was really upset and i no longer wanted to hide. i wanted the WORLD to know HOW wrong the injustice was!) stopped, really. i cry ALL the time... and though it is frustrating or can be embarrassing... i am thankful for my tears! for getting it out, now! i don't mind if it's at chapel, in an airport, at a restaurant, in class, with people i really know... or don't know... it's a start. tears are good. it's healing. praise God for your tears... the words will come later!
I never thanked you for that most excellent and helpful and vulnerable reply, Kimberly.
so thank you!
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