This self-consciousness, wordless most of the time, seems to be constantly playing variations on the same tune behind every scene of my life. I live with an almost incessant (and insipid) soundtrack of my own creating. I am composer, content, musician, and audience. And I really don't want to play anymore.
I know that there are times for thinking about yourself. I try to live a self-examined life and to pay attention to where my mind and body are at. But this self-conscious song isn't about true understanding of myself, or qualitative improvement of myself. It's about impression management, highlighting my accomplishments and good qualities and minimizing my faults and failures. This is a dishonest way to live. I am a person, not an image... Why do I think that if other people think it's true then it is?
A week ago today I realized that self-consciousness is my bitter enemy and self-forgetfulness is my goal. I want to live a life that isn't spent obsessing about how other people view me.
4 comments:
Have you ever read Brennan Manning's "Abba's Child?" I've only read the first two chapters for an assignment, but it was talking about that very thing...living from the true self (our identity in being beloved of God) versus living from our false self (our identity based on pleasing/comparing to others). Anyway, I appreciate your awareness and honesty. I'm struggling down a similar path, friend. :)
Its interesting to me to discover that self fulfillment is best accomplished when I successfully convince everyone around me that I'm not stuck on myself, but the whole motivation for that pursuit is self serving, to at least attempt to convince everyone that I'm awesome. The best way to serve self is to pretend that I'm not serving self, but really, so many times, I am.
Ben, I so relate to this! I actually even hesitated to post this blog entry because I wondered if I was really motivated by a desire to appear really awesome for being so self-aware . . . Man, oh man! Self is the trickiest player ever!
WOW....so very true Ben and Kessia
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